It is believed that to find the One, you have to kiss many frogs.  This belief is based on a fairy tale that is familiar to all of us, and even though you all know that it is not based on a true story, our hopes blindfold us and we believe that the one is just a frog-kiss away.

As a communication coach, I have worked with people that spend all their energy looking for the right frog to kiss, with the hopes of finding the charming prince-princess, and what happens is the usual disappointment and the eternal phrase, “Why do I always attract the wrong one?” Well, if you have asked yourself this question, you are right. Humans are magnets with an established dating pattern. If you analyzed all the people that you have dated, ask yourself, “What do they all have in common?”  The answer is, “YOU”.

Some of my clients complain, “I cannot believe this happened again,” “I haven’t learned anything,” “I am tired of meeting Mr. Wrong…” Well lets clarify a couple of things. I am sure that my clients have certainly learned something, that doesn’t mean they that they will apply it. Ask yourself how many times you have seen a big red light but you just jump into that situation in the hope that this time, this frog will be “different”.

As humans, we always have hopes (which is good) and we have great expectations, expectations that at times are hard to meet. You end up being disappointed not by the other, but by yourself. You have the picture-perfect relationship in your mind, and you are willing to sacrifice a little frog-kiss so the spell will disappear and your fairy tale dream can come true. Then you wake up and realize that your frog is still a frog and that the fairy tale is a soap opera with not quite the happy end that you envisioned.

What do you do then? How do you react? In my work experience, I have found several interesting types of reactions to this situation:

The “Sprinters” that will run away from that situation without changing the dating pattern looking for another frog to kiss and this time, “I will be lucky”.

The “Denyers” who say, “It wasn’t me’. They escape from the situation blaming the other and without taking responsibility, it is always someone else’s problem. They had nothing to do with the fact of choosing a frog to kiss.

The “Overly Humble” who say, “I am not worthy.” In this case our self-esteem is at stake, and we believe that once more we are not worthy of a nice relationship.

The “Savior syndrome.” Their call in life is to save someone by getting emotionally  involved, so they thrive in these kind of situations.

The “the Second Chancers” who believe in a second chance, but they fail to count correctly. Second doesn’t mean 1000th.

The “Lover Conquerors” who believe that their love conquers all. That is true  when the other partner thinks the same and is equality emotionally interested in you.

If you see yourself reflected in one of this profiles CALL ME NOW… just kidding, do not panic you are not crazy, just human. Humans are animals of habit and tend to replicate the same situation over and over again. However, we also have the ability to learn from experience. Moreover, experience is what we have to use when looking for someone.

“The frog” can be a relationship that has ended and you do not know how to move on. Or, “the frog” can be dating someone who is totally wrong for you, but having hopes that you or the partner will change. Or, sometimes, “the frog” is the collective expectations that you have and that you automatically project on any one you meet.

Sometimes we know that we are on the “frog zone” because we go through an “emotional déjà vu”. A déjà vu is a feeling that something has happened before but we do not exactly know when or where. When dating, developing a relationship or ending it, we sometimes have emotional Déjà vu, because we are moving within the same behavioral pattern that generates a comfort dating zone.

Some of my clients ask me, “So, what do I do?  I have to ‘kiss a frog’ to eventually find ‘the one’.”  This statement is true; you all have kissed your good share of frogs, and if you look around there are still more to be kissed. That is the fun of it. But you need to know when to stop kissing.

When we are interested in someone, we need to look at the person, not at the expectation that we have. You can’t pretend to change people to fit your stereotype of “the perfect one.” Instead of using the emotional projections to measure the other, use filters that will help you to know whether to go further, or invest your energy and time somewhere else.

Filters are easier to use because they analyze “the now.” They do not have the emotional baggage that projections have. Emotional projections are based on the image that you have of the “perfect one” and the “life” that you would like to have with the other. Filters are not the magic formula that will give you the address, phone number and a name of the ideal partner, but they are a good screening system.

You might think, “Well it all sound interesting, but how do I create filters?” Well use what you “know,” your experience. You have all the data; just use it. You have to look into your dating pattern and analyze what didn’t or did work. It helps to make a list of all the people you have dated and the reasons why you were attracted to them. (It is better to use summarizing words: intense, attractive, desperate …) It is important as well to highlight why “things did not work out.”

To find your filters try this exercise:

REMEMBER to use summarizing words

Write down in chronological order all the people that you have dated or had a relationship with.

Write down why you were attracted to them in the first place

Underline in read the dates that did not go any further and why.

Underline in blue the ones that moved on to a relationship and why

Last step, focus on why the relationships ended (ones underlined in blue)

This exercise will give you a map of your dating pattern. Look at the filters that you have been using and ask yourself if they are helping you find what you are looking for.

Be “honest” with yourself. It is not just the other’s fault.  Our goal is to look at the progress of your dating pattern in time and see if you have been making the same mistakes over and over again.  The screening system will be based on experience and not on expectations, is based on what you know and not on what you have yet to discover.

Some of my clients have trouble understanding the use of filters,  and I ask them What would you do if you wanted to have “a great body shape,” “better health,” “loose weight”

Most part have the same answer “change my diet”. Well when changing your diet you have clear the future expectation, “Be at my best”. But to get to that point you need to apply some filters.

The start is to commit to the goal by changing the eating and exercising habits. To create the new pattern, you need  filters to design  a grocery shopping list (low fat, or low carb,  high protein, vegetables, fruits…) and an exercise routine (more cardio, walk more, run more…..) depending on the desired results.

The next step would be to go to the supermarket to do the shopping. Because you already have a filtered list you won’t spend time looking at the food that is not good for your diet but rather focus on what will help you achieve your goal. There are aisles that will be out of reach because they are not compatible with your filters.

If you work  with a body trainer your realize that they will create a new exercise and eating routine that are based on filters. These filters are designed to make you concentrate on the “now” ( eat healthier food, drink more water, walk more…) to achieve the results that you want.

The success of a diet is based on “the will power to change the habit patterns and this will have an influence on your emotional relationship to food and to your body”.

REMEMBER, the filters are not a shield from “other.” They are not a place to hide, but a tool earned from experience. Filters are progressive, because they adapt as the relationship evolves. We need to give yourselves a chance, empower yourselves to live, and know when to STOP “kissing the frog” and MOVE ON.

I have seen many people getting lost. My advice for them is this, “There is not a perfect one.” We meet someone that we grow emotionally close with and we generate the perfect emotional relationship for both. The charming prince-princess is the relationship that we have built and that we both commit to. Instead of waiting in a secluded tower for the knight on the shiny armor to rescue you from your loneliness, maybe you should ask yourself “where does he want to take me and where do I want to go.”

I do believe in the existence of love, but in a personalized love that is specific to each and every couple. It is up to you to generate the story that you want  and just make sure that YOU have a say in what happens in that story. Do not just be the reader but be also the co-author.

So when things do not work out maybe you should ask yourself: Am I kissing a frog?

Ray is a communication coach specialized on relationships, business and life coaching.


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